Forever Ride-Chapter of My Life

Back in 2001 I was seven years old girl nervously sitting at a bus station waiting for the bus.  The lady sitting with me was a teacher from my previous orphanage.  Quietly and calmly, she got up.
“I will be right back. Don’t move.” She said as she went to get something to eat for both of us, I just sat there watching people go by and feeling the emptiness of the world. By the time she returned the bus was just pulling up.
“Am I going home?” I asked in a timid soft voice.
“No, you are just going to a different orphanage. Orphanage for bigger kids,” She said with a sigh as we made our way to seats on the bus. The smile that I might have had went away with weight of her unexpected answer my question. Tears welled in my eyes and my heart felt heavy during the remainder of that long sad half an hour ride.
At the next stop, Odessa Ukraine, we got off the bus and boarded a train that kept taking us farther away from home. Sitting there, I quietly looked out the window and watched my previous life pass behind me.  Looking across I noticed my teacher had fallen asleep. I couldn’t sleep; my thoughts kept speeding through my mind like the images of the big fields with nothing planted on them but black ground outside.
It was such a long ride.  At least it felt like it to me.  I kept wishing that this entire day was just a bad dream.  As some may say you can’t run from reality.  I would close and open my eyes many times and still be at the same place every time.  After a while I stopped trying to squeeze out the images of this day, because I knew it was not a dream anymore.
Finally, the train stopped again and it was our turn to get off of it.  I all of my things which consisted one plastic bag full, and slowly following my teacher off the train into a taxi.
A taxi driver helped us to put our meager things in the trunk and opened the door for us.  Riding in taxi I had to make myself believe that my parents care, because that way, leaving the only place I ever know as home had would not hurt so much inside. I just could not believe that they abandoned me to be true.
The truth was, my birth parents did not care and they cared about was themselves.  When they took me to the first orphanage I was just a small girl made rock hard on the outside, but inside as fragile as glass because of them.  My parents, to me, seemed to be heartless monsters who just threw me on the concrete where I broke into a million pieces. At the first orphanage the staff tried to put all the pieces together, but too many pieces already were missing.  There was a hole inside my chest that nothing could heal it.  That is when I first realized the pain of being abandon.
   Finally we stopped at a set of big green gates with red outlined stars.
“Here we are.” said my teacher.
“Is this where I will be for a while?” I asked her trying to contain the sad echo in my voice.
“I think you will be here for long time.” She answered with low voice.  Silently we walked toward the gates. Upon entering one gentleman met us inside.  Not knowing what to do I followed him.  It was a big orphanage with lots of space for little kids to play.
The building we were going into was not far from the gates.  Going inside the building first we walked by big cafeteria, and on past several classrooms as we started to walk up the stairs.  At the top of the stairs we came upon a long hallway.  Walking down that hallway we came to the doors, which was at the end of the hallway. We walked closer to the doors as we were met by another tall gentleman.  The man we were met by was a principle in the orphanage.  He was, handsome looking tall with dark hair looked like he was about in his late 30’s.
“Good afternoon. My name is Viktor,” He said to my teacher as he shook her hand.
“Is this the child we are expecting?” He asked as he glanced down at me.
“Yes, this is the girl.” She answered him.
Viktor dismissed gentlemen, who met us at the gate by asking him to escort my teacher back to the gate.  After our goodbyes I felt numb with fear as I watched my teacher exit out the door leaving me behind.  Watching her leave I wanted to run after her but I was too scared to even move.  So, I just stood there in silence as she disappeared in distance.

Passion

Do you remember
the very first day of high school?
I do.
 I remember walking in
through the doors of high school
for my very first time.
Judgment.
 Let it out.
Be that weird kid.
All those thoughts
 going through my mind that day.
But for real…
 do those things matter?
At the time they did.
Now
 no they don’t.
Some may ask, “why not?
You are still in high school, aren’t you?”
Yes I am,
 but the reason
I don’t care
 for those things anymore
Is because I had to realize
high school is not about
what people may think of me.
It’s all about education
and a plan for the future.
I mean
 if not for our teachers
and our parents
 we would get lost in life.
High school is all about
finding a passion.
Finding out who you are deep down.
That is why our school staff
does their very best
 to help us
 to guide us before
We leave the walls of high school.
I mean,
 do you want to be
that person
 who is unhappy
with their job and  life?
I know I don’t.
When I walk out
beyond these walls
 I want to have a plan,
 a desire
A passion
 for my future.
Someday,
 returning back
and thanking people
Who put lot of work into my life
 to make
my life successful.
Think about life
don’t go out about without plan.
Think before you leave this place.
Because after this,
 no one will help you with your life passion
outside these walls.

Give and Received

In a place far away from here there is an
Orphanage full of children.
Those children have nothing of their own.
Everything they own is donated to them
By people who express kindness
For those less fortunate.

A few years back…
I remember strangers giving me a gift.
A gift that was made only for a small little girl like me.
The gift was a shoebox
Full of toys, notebooks, pencils
And everything I might never have before.

Once I was an orphan.
But not today,
Today I am going to give back what was
Once given to me.

I’ll give a gift full of love and hope.
I will give away my heart to those who don’t have much.
Hoping it will make a difference for them.
Because it sure did make difference
In my life once—still does today.

Always Fighter Never Victim

She was wrapped up in the past
Around much pain and sorrow.
She felt trapped like
No way out of this one.

Can’t get up and run,
Can’t breathe the fresh air.
Feeling like a victim of
Her own past mistakes,
There is so much going
Through her mind.

Slowly she feels
Like she is drowning
In pain from the past
Still hurting her.

She said to herself
“You need to get up and fight.
Pain can never hurt you if
You are immune.”
Be a fighter for your own life
Not a victim of the past.

Pain caused by others
Cannot affect you.
Choose to let it go and
Move on with a smile.
Let them know you are
Stronger than they think you are.

Get up off the floor
And fight your pain and sorrow.
Fight your biggest nightmares.
Only then will you be able to move
On with peace.

Just then will you find
True happiness.
So fight for them,
Be your own hero.

Find your life and peace.
Don’t let fear rule
Your life for you.

Gave Up To The Point

Bleeding and bruised

He was lying on the floor.

Once again kids picked on him at school.

Getting up hurts but lying on the

Floor of the school won’t help him get home.

“HOME! HA!” what a funny thought he found it to be.

“ It ain’t a home. It’s more of abuse shelter.”

He told himself as he got up and started

To walk towards more beating.

Looking into the poor boys eyes

All you will see is a hurting and trapped soul

Inside of a dead boy.

Don’t believe those eyes ever seen

A good and happy day.

Getting home was more hopeful for him

Then he hoped it to be.

Quickly he raced up the stairs and into his room.

Laying in bed he was holding a raiser.

Next thing you know his wrists were bleeding.

That’s the only pain he knew that didn’t come

From another human being, but himself alone.

This time it was more than a silly

Thing a teenager would do.

“Hold on!” thought ran through his mind.

“Hold on to what?!” He kept fighting himself.

Before he knew it everything was going black,

And the body temperature was dropping.

“This is my ticket out.”

Seventeen years old, Corbin, was gone

From this world forever now.

No more homecoming game,

No more homecoming Queens and Kings scenes,

No more that little taste of Prom for him.

Classmates and parents standing at his grave

Sorry,
Didn’t realized it was that bad.

Sorry,
Didn’t help him to come back.

Sorry,
Didn’t help him succeed his dreams.

Sorry,
Is just a word now that have took a life

Of an innocent boy with unfinished dreams and plans.

At One Time

At one time I used 
To be angry at everyone,
But then I learned to 
Take out my anger on paper.

At one time I used 
To feel sad and lonely,
Then I learned that 
I am not alone anymore.

At one time I used 
To wonder where was my family
Now I don’t need to wonder 
Because they are home with me…

At one time I used 
To hold so much pain inside,
Now it all slowly fading away 
Even though life is still hard.

At one time I used 
To ask myself if I will
Make it in life 
Now that’s all I do is make sure that I do.

At one time I used 
To be down on the ground broken 
Now I just fighting for better 
For my ordinary life.

You and I

My soul is crying out
It’s crying out for you.
You are my whole world
You are the moon and the stars 
At night that help me find
My way out of the darkness.
Your sweet and soft cheek is 
Like a world without sin.
Like everything is perfect
But when I gave you away to someone else…
I felt empty…
I was left abandoned…
Left feeling alone 
It was so cold without you,
But then again no one can take 
You away from me.
Because your name was written
Next to mine before the sun and the moon
Were even created.
Before my parents were even born.
You and I are a pair of the same blood.
You and I are daughter and mother.

Evil Shadows of Addiction

Sitting alone in an empty room 
A little girl sits watching, 
As Black and White shadows stalk
Around her so called home.

Sitting alone in an empty room 
Little girl sits watching 
Her mother becoming tempted 
By those Black and White shadows.

Sitting alone in an empty room  
Little girl sits watching 
How fast her family became corrupted
By the evil shadows called alcoholism.

Sitting alone in an empty room
Little girl starts to begging 
The evil shadows to go away 
And return her family back to her.

Sitting alone in an empty room 
A little girl starts to begging 
Her mother to put the evil bottle down
But instead of listening 
Her mother follows the lead of the shadow.

Sitting along in an empty room 
Little girl starts to beg 
Someone to help her family
But before anyone did anything 
It was too late.

Sitting alone in an empty room 
A little girl was taken away from her house
And put to an orphanage.

Sitting alone in an empty room 
A little girl felt abandoned 
The evil shadows laugh stalking around 
Her former house 
Tormenting family left behind
The little girl was now orphan.

Sitting alone in an empty room
A little girl promises herself 
That when she grows up 
She will never let those evil shadows
Come anywhere near her and her own family.

Holding On To A Deep Dark Secret Inside

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside
Wanting to tell someone is just that….
I don’t know who to trust anymore.
My family so nice and kind 
I never meant break everything down.

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside
I’m just going to write the truth about it all.
I have a piece of my life stolen from me now.
Just when I thought I could trust family again
My trust disappeared with a snap of a finger.

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside
New family new brothers knew everything
Maybe it’s time to start trusting again.
Before I got the chance to trust to anyone 
My new brother did horrible a thing 
He made me change my mind about trust.

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside
He took my virginity from me at age fourteen.
He made me scared of men.
He made me not want to look at men 
The way I should have been for truth.

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside 
I was scared to scream out loud.
Him holding me down 
I knew what is going to happen next.
If I scream would he hit me?
What do I do now?
I asked myself many times before.

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside 
He was younger than me and yet 
I was venerable against his strength  
Why me? Why now? How can it be?
For a moment I thought it might of 
Been a nightmare but no it wasn’t a dream.
Holding on to a deep dark secret inside
For years this was going on and not a word was said,
A baby was made of cruel mistake
How will I tell about this horrible thing?
Everyone wants to know who the father is.
Until the day has come for the final word to say….

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside
I finally said what really did happen.
At first he denied it then police was involved
Finally the truth came out 
It felt good to tell the truth to get off my chest.
But I bigger things to worry about now

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside
I had to make a choice depends on 
What’s best for the baby not me.
I had to put my child need before mine.
I gave the child away to a loving family.

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside
I could never trust him again.
I hated him.
Oh how many times have I cried?
Only if he knew what it’s like to be a victim
of something as cruel as this.

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside 
It has changed my life.
It made me a really young mother for the first time.
It was never how I looked at my life 
It was never how I planned it to be for my child and me. 
My child was never a mistake
It just happened to be a bad situation here.

Holding on to a deep dark secret inside
How do you heal from something like this?
How do you forgive someone who took away
so much from you at such a young age?
You learn to forgive and let things go
You learned holding on to pain will only hurt me
So I don’t need to hold on to a deep dark secret anymore.

Love for a Child

Four years ago she was laying in a 

Hospital bed, crying.

How could I do this to myself and her?

She kept asking herself.

But it was too late to turn back,

Because her baby girl was already gone.

She had one more chance to go back,

But she couldn't help but put her needs,

Her only child's,

Before her own needs.

No time to think about this.

No time to question yourself,

You can't take care of her like they can.

You are too young,

You will be a single mother,

You are only 16, how are you going to do this

By yourself with school, as well as 

Providing for your child?

She thought it all through.

But what she didn't think through is that

Maybe there was a way

To do both. 

In the end, by the time she 

Realized that, it was too late.

She had already signed the paper,

And shed a river of tears.

In the end, all she wants is to say goodbye.

She wants the pain to go away.

She wants to stop the tears,

She wants to stop the rain.

But she can't.

It wasn't her choice 

It wasn't in her power.

She wanted to protect her life 

But she couldn't.

It was impossible to know life's next step.

It was a mystery to everybody.

Instead, she just took the step that 

She thought was best for everyone.

She made it her life, her own.

She had to accept the change and go on

With life for her child's sake. 

Then, she realized it was for herself as well.

That little girl at one time was the only pain

She could imagine, but now she is her only hope.

To make the best of herself.

Memory of Autumn

Colors paint the town 
Leaves slowly falling to the ground 
just like rain.
Wind gently carries leaves like a mother
Cradles her children
Releasing them from the grasps of the trees. 

The change of season reflecting,
remembering, and releasing 
emotions of life moving on.

Clocks turning their hands back in time
signaling winter is on her way.
Now night will come faster and colder
but morning sun bursting with color
greets awakening  faces with his smile
warming them gently as old man winter wind attempts
to nibble at their cheeks.

Autumn memories of being a little girl
Autumn being one of those reflective seasons 
reminiscing about childhood loneliness in the Ukraine. 
Waking up in the early morning
smelling residue of burning leaves all pleasant memories 
of each new day. 

By midday 
people raking  mountains of leaves
piles that patiently await to be burned 
possibly the following evening.

Little children off to school 
walking with parents, holding their hands
all the way to the towering brick building 
that anxiously waits
to envelop them
behind her big green door.


Not everyone has parents to walk them to school. 
Back in the days I always walked alone  to my elementary school.
Trying to find anyone to walk me to school,
was as hopeless as trying to find a needle in the pile of hay.
My family was poor money being scarce 
I lacked appropriate weather clothes.
I remember a cold day walking home from school
wearing a thin white shirt
wind from right out of the corner
slapping at my skin.

I was walking alone at such young age.
Walking after a while, I couldn’t handle the cold.
I just laid down to the cold ground and hoped 
rolled up in a ball just to keep myself warm.
It was a night time 
Finally-
someone found me 
Just lying there hopeless - alone.

My Godfather found me.
He took of his coat gave it to me.
After warming up for few minutes,
he gathered me up, and carried me home.

Approaching the shack of four walls and broken windows
I recognized this place called home;
the house - cold, empty, and alone as always. 
My Godfather just left me there – 
Alone. 
As a small girl I already knew 
about this familiar friend –
cold, dark, empty - my friend called
Loneliness.

Prisoner of Pain

Over and over she thought about
Didn’t know how to say out loud,
The pain, the tears, and the worries she had.
She was scared. She was alone.
“Is it worth it in the end?”
She kept asking herself.
“My pain keeps me as a prisoner 
You know what I mean?”

“Yes I do know pain can be that way at times,
But you can’t give up at all!”
She told herself.
“Pain is nothing more but a sickness
That is why you can find things to give you life.”
She kept fighting for life.
Years kept passing by,
As loneliness kept getting closer to her.

Big dramatic experience she went through in life.
Sixteen years old girl finds out 
She is pregnant.
What!? How!? 
NO! Not him please not him.
She kept repeating it in her head.
Can it actually be him?

Even more she wanted to die.
Even more everyone kept pushing her over the edge.
“ I can’t let them win over my baby girl.”
She told herself ones more.
“My child cannot grow up not knowing me.”
So she kept on living her life.
She proved them wrong.

She stand up to the prison guard 
She didn’t let pain keep her in prison of past
She found a way in life
She kept trying,
As once she read a quote,
“Being defeated is often 
A temporary condition.
But giving up is what makes 
It permanent.” 
That is what she kept as a lesson in life 
At least for her child she kept moving on.